My grandfather died when I was 7 years old. I adored my PopPop. My little heart was broken. It was my first experience with death and funerals. I remember at the funeral, sitting on my mother's lap just sobbing my little heart out. My grandmother leaned over and said, “we don’t cry in church”. My 7-year-old brain was confused. I didn’t understand. I was so sad, I wanted my PopPop back and I needed to cry.
I was raised in a Christian household. I went to church every Sunday. I studied my catechism; I joined the church. It was a part of my life. Years later, as I navigated adulthood my relationship with faith evolved. I didn’t make my faith a priority in my life, but it was always there in the background. I always felt a connection to God even though I wasn’t a shining example of a Christian.
When my son died, I threw my faith out the window. I was SO angry with God. Why take my son, a good human, when there are so many evil people walking around the earth? It just didn’t make sense, and I was really pissed. Mike died in October. By January I knew I needed to find some comfort somewhere. I decided to get back to my roots. I started to read through the entire Bible and hoped maybe I would find some peace, some understanding.
Here’s what I’ve learned. First, God lost a son too. I know it was the plan all along, but he still lost a son. Secondly, when Jesus heard Lazarus was sick, he went to see him. He arrived too late as Lazarus had died. Jesus wept!!! He wept for his friend that had died, he was sad, he was grieving. I believe he also wept my loss. He knows what it feels like. These things bring me a bit of peace.
But, back to current day. I cry. Every time I go to church. As soon as I sit down and lift my eyes up to the stained glass, I cry. It’s not a sad, gut-wrenching cry but more of a let me feel your peace cry. But I still hear my grandmothers voice telling me we do not cry in church. Well, I’m here to tell you we do! And it’s ok. We’ve lost a child, we’re grieving, we cry a lot. And it is OK, even in church, if that brings you closer to peace.
Lynn
Living With Child Loss
Add comment
Comments