When Michael died, I was so angry with God. I mean who else am I going to blame? It was no one’s fault, he didn’t do anything wrong, his heart just suddenly stopped. That leaves God. It was his fault, and I was so angry with him. Michael was only 41 and had so much of his life left to live. So many things he had yet to do. When your child dies, you search for understanding, for some semblance of peace. You ask why, over and over. There is no answer. That means it must have been God’s will. Well, that just didn’t sit well with me.
Every day was a struggle to come to terms with the loss, and I grappled with the notion that it was part of a divine plan. If this was meant to be, then what kind of plan was it? How could a so-called loving God take away someone so dear, someone who had so much more to offer to this world? In my grief, I found myself questioning everything I believed in. I tried to find solace in prayer, but the bitterness remained. I once believed prayer would keep my loved ones safe, that they made a difference. But in the aftermath of my loss, I began to wonder if I was ever truly heard. I wanted to find a reason, an explanation that would make sense of the senseless. I tried to find some meaning in my faith, but the emptiness and the unanswered questions haunted me. I found myself wrestling with the idea of faith, feeling betrayed and abandoned. Faith was supposed to be my anchor, steadfast and unshaken.
I found solace in a very unexpected place, The Nextdoor app. I happened to see a post one day that was made by a pastor of a local church a couple weeks after Michael died. I commented on his post about my anger and the destruction of my faith. He reached out to me in the private messages and offered an ear to listen to what I was feeling. And so began our conversations. His support gave me the strength to seek my answers in the word of God. He will never know just how much he aided in my journey to healing.
I began to realize that faith is not always about understanding but about trusting amid the unknown. Faith, at its core, is belief without proof. It isn’t about having all the answers but about finding strength in the midst of uncertainty. It's about finding the strength to move forward, even when the path is shrouded in darkness. Slowly, I started to see that faith could be my anchor, even when the sea of grief threatened to pull me under. It isn’t an easy journey, and the anger towards God doesn't dissolve overnight. But little by little, I am learning to embrace the uncertainty and to hold onto the hope that Michael’s life, though tragically short, had a profound impact, and that his memory would continue to guide me through the storm. I’m realizing that faith and profound sorrow can be carried together. Rebuilding faith after loss isn’t returning to what was but about shaping something new. It’s deeply personal and often challenging.
Psalm 34:18 – The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Lynn
Living With Child Loss
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