I’ve been in a bit of what I call a grief spiral the last few days. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. All the feelings spiraling around on an endless loop. My emotions are all over the place. I’m not even sure I can identify which emotion I’m dealing with at any given moment. My head feels like it’s in a fog. Nothing triggers it. It just is. The worst part about it is that you’re going about your days, you think you’re handling your grief pretty well and then BAM you’re in this spiral of grief.
It's like drowning in a sea of emotions, unable to catch a breath or get your feet on solid ground. Each day brings a new wave, crashing over me, pulling me deeper into this whirlpool of grief. It is unpredictable and overwhelming, and I find myself questioning if I'll ever emerge from this fog. I feel as if I have stepped back in time to the beginning of this horrible journey. Breaking out of the grief spirals can be difficult. The sadness and pain just seem to loop endlessly.
So how do I get out of this spiral? What helps me? My counselor gave me a worksheet several weeks ago. It’s my favorite. The purpose of this one is to make me be still and acknowledge exactly what I’m feeling at that moment. Some days it’s harder than others. It requires quiet time, reflection time and makes you really identify what the emotions are. Once you acknowledge the feelings, it’s about just sitting with them and feeling them. That’s not always easy. Sometimes it's painful but it’s in these quiet moments, I remind myself to take things one step at a time, to breathe and to trust that this spiral, though relentless, will eventually release its grip on me.
I try to focus my thoughts on my son’s life and not his death. Focus on the sweet memories. Some days that’s hard. It’s easy for us as grieving parents to focus on the death and what we have lost. But our loved ones are so much more than their death. Their life, therefore, their legacy is important.
It’s also important to set a goal for myself. Just one. Even a small one. Something as simple as getting dressed, taking a shower or taking a walk outside. It helps me move forward out of that endless spiral. It makes my brain focus on something positive.
The hardest part of all these actions? Making myself do them. I have to do some real self-talk just to get moving. But once I do, the fog seems to start lifting. Each day is an opportunity to embrace the pain and the joy, to honor the memory of my son while finding meaning and moments of peace in the present. I continue to navigate this spiral, sometimes stumbling, other times finding strength in the smallest gestures. And so, I move forward, one breath at a time, holding onto the hope that healing is possible, even in the midst of profound loss. I hope you will as well.
Lynn
Living With Child Loss
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