I'm not angry with you son. That's what I wrote in my journal entry to Mike this morning. It’s one of those days that I woke up just plain angry. I’m angry at the unfairness of life. I’m angry that Mike didn’t get to finish writing his life story. I’m just plain angry at the whole thing. I can’t stop the flood of tears. But I’m never angry at my son. He wouldn't have chosen to make me feel the things I feel. So, no, I’m not angry with you son. I cry out to him and wonder if he can hear me? If he can feel my anger and heartache. My tears flow freely. I think about the memories we shared. I look at his pictures. I sob like my heart is breaking because it is.
Why are some days so hard? Why on some days is there just is no solace for our grief? There’s no “trigger’ that we can identify. No special date. No specific memory. Nothing that we can identify that sends us in to this chaotic spiral. I hear my son say one of his favorite phrases, “it is what it is, mom”. And I hold onto that because I need his help today and it’s true. And maybe that is the answer. It really is just what it is.
Perhaps sadness, sorrow and anger go hand in hand. Perhaps I’m just so sad it feels like anger. Maybe, sadness and anger are intertwined. They are both responses to pain and loss, each showing up in their own ways. Maybe sadness is the broken heart's quiet sigh, while anger is its fierce cry. They both signal a broken heart and together, they create all that we experience after our immense loss. Perhaps one fuels the other.
Anger can feel like an unwelcome guest. We are told it’s not good to be angry. Yet, it is a natural human emotion and part of the mourning process. Our anger cries out at the injustice of the loss, demanding answers where there are none. Meanwhile, our sadness just wraps itself around our heart and lives there. The same but different.
Embracing our emotions can be challenging, a real pain in the ass, but perhaps it is necessary for healing. It's a two-way street. Acknowledging one emotion does not dimmish the validity of the other. Two separate emotions, coexisting to acknowledge the profound impact of our loss. Each playing a crucial role in navigating the journey through grief.
Grief is probably one of the most unique human experiences. No two people grieve the same. The journey is uniquely personal. The path is uncharted, and each uncertain step is a testament to the love and loss that we carry. We must allow ourselves the courage and grace to feel every emotion, to rage against the unfairness, to weep for the moments stolen, and to find comfort where we can. Hopefully as we acknowledge our pain, we will begin to heal. And find some semblance of peace. Grief is love. The same but different. Anger is sorrow. The same but different.
Lynn
Living With Child Loss
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