There is so much I didn’t know about grief. So much I’m still learning. I’m blessed to work with a counselor who is guiding me through all the messiness that grief is. I’d like to talk about things I didn't know, and I hope you will feel free to share your insights too.
First off, as I’ve said before, this is not my first go round with loss. I’ve lost both my parents and 2 of my brothers over the course of the last 15 years. But losing my son? That’s a wholly different grief that brought a level of pain and disorientation that I had never felt before. I could not have even imagined this experience. So that’s my first lesson, all grief is different. One grief experience cannot be compared to another nor can one person be compared to another. Grief is deeply personal.
I’ve also come to understand that grief is not linear; it twists and turns in ways that defy logic or predictability. It’s like a spiral. There are days when the spiral feels like endless loop after loop, making it impossible to move forward, and other days when a fleeting memory brings a sense of peace. One moment I might be laughing at something Mike used to say, and the next I’m brought to my knees just looking at his picture.
It’s chaotic and messy. It demands patience and self-compassion. I’m learning to give myself grace and permission to feel, without judgment, whatever surfaces in the moment—anger, sadness, longing, or even joy. These emotions coexist in surprising ways, yet another revelation for me.
I’m having to rediscover who I am. This is a big one for me. I had no idea I would lose my sense of who I was when I lost my son. It really does make sense, but it never occurred to me. I think this is one of the hardest things for me. I will always be Mike’s mom but even that looks different now. Grief reshapes how we engage with the world—it alters our relationships and the way we see ourselves and the world.
These are just a few of the things I’m learning about this journey called grief. And while it still feels overwhelming at times, I’m discovering that this journey allows room for growth—for honoring what was while embracing what is yet to come. I’m hoping we will all help each other along the way.
Walking this path with you!
Living With Child Loss
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