Loss and Purpose

Let's face it, there are just some things in this world that are a given. The world rotates on its axis, the sun rises and sets every day and seasons change. Everything works in harmony. These things just are. We go about our lives without giving them another thought. 

That’s how I felt about my purpose in this world. It was a known.  It was a given. I knew who I was and what I was meant to be doing. I was a caretaker. A wife, a mom, a nurse and a rescuer of animals.  

Then, my son died. My world fell of its axis. All those knowns became unknowns. 

I became lost, in the fog of grief, questioning everything I once knew. Roles that once defined me seemed foreign; their meaning stripped away in the wake of my son's absence. I felt empty as I searched for my purpose, my identity. I could no longer anchor myself in a world that felt so unrecognizable. It’s like being in a foreign country, you don’t know the language, you can’t read the signs and there’s no one there to tell you where to go next. You’re absolutely lost. 

The days are marked by an overwhelming sense of loss.  As if the loss of your child wasn’t bad enough, you’ve also lost yourself.  You’re stuck. You don’t know how to take the next step. Hell, you don’t even know what the next step is. Everything hurts.  You are your pain. That’s who and what you are right now and it has no purpose, no identity.  

So how do we, as bereaved parents, rediscover our purpose? Our why?  

Rediscovering our purpose after such a devastating loss requires immense courage and an open heart. It involves embracing the grief and allowing ourselves the grace to move through it in a way that feels right for us. In honoring our grief, we give testament to the love we will always hold for our children. We must search out people who share our experience, understand our pain and know that the loss of self is real. They create a network of support and understanding that supports our healing.  Each day becomes an exercise in finding new strength. We must learn to weave our past into the fabric of what is our new reality.  

For me, I am finding that my purpose is fluid and evolving. It’s a journey. I’m still searching. I’m still grieving the loss of my son and what I was certain my life should look like. Its a winding path, each twist and turn hopefully leading to a new version of myself. A version that will honor both my son and my love for his life. I am learning that finding purpose after loss is not about returning to who I used to be but learning to embrace to me that is emerging.   

Lynn 

Living With Child Loss